K10ish
never THE mom
or THE dad
just the substitute.
Love like they are your own
honest and pure
You are not their own
They have their own.
On the bench.
That’s where you sit
You are not the first string.
It’s OK for a while, it’s not a competition.
It’s your heart.
Your love.
This is your ready made family.
And it’s not yours.
It’s theirs. Their Mom. Their Dad.
But divorced.
Extra wheel.
That’s you. That’s me.
You only need an extra wheel
When the others aren’t good.
But just for a little while.
You are easily replaced.
You are not one of them.
Can anyone see this but me?
Who do you talk to?
How do you discuss your pain?
What do you do with your hurt?
When they all stand together in one place
it’s random, a birthday party, a school conference
where do you stand.
Alone.
Filed under: Blogroll, Friendly, Love, alone, animal, bar, boredom, control, death, devoted, explore, family, game, heart, house, hurting, life, live, looking, lost, missing, normal, thoughts | Tagged: alone, birthday, divorce, family, kids, shadow, step mom, stepmother
Oh, yes. This sounds familiar, especially with the holidays just passed and first semester grade reports just in. We just had one of those conversations where we decide what he’s going to ask/say in the parent-teacher meeting that I can’t go to because the real mom can make it this time. All the schoolwork I monitor for all the teachers I never talk to. Taking two steps back at school plays. That’s us. But hey – look behind you next time. That might be me. (hug)
That is so poignant.
I understand. I don’t write about it, because biomom stalks my blog, but I understand.
You’re not alone!!! I feel incredibly frustrated by my stepmother situation sometimes, too! I’m super organized, detail-oriented and the kids and I really get along but when their mom senses the kids like me more than they might like her she pulls “get your wife away from my children” with my husband.
If you need someone to chat with, email me at erin.alissa@gmail.com
Hang in there!
I totally understand how you feel. It is so hard to love a child so much but not be allowed to claim him. My husband and his Ex don’t get along at all so I often feel in the middle instead of onthe outside. I just recently had the I’m the real mom comment shoved in my face again. It stings and it sucks, but one day, long from now, the step child will be an adult and they will remember you and all you did and how you never received the credit you deserved and they will aprreciate you. I can say this because that’s how I feel about my step dad now. It just sucks having to wait so long for recognition. Hang in there, it’s worth it.
Love your summary. This is exactly what I think every step parent feels at some point in their existence in a blended family. I don’t think it matters much about custodial or non-custodial status. One day or minute, we are the best thing since sliced bread. The next…..low as the dirt on the ground, or lower if that’s possible. Our opinions and thoughts come second – even to spouses with whom we are supposed to be the most bonded. Our children become the afterthoughts when it’s time to pay bills or clothe. “Family” activities take on a whole new meaning. Anyway, just wanted to say wow and thanks!
In our case, most of the time the three of us grownups get along but on those occasions when she decides to, biomom can make things awful. My husband and I have primary custody and she hates it – but not enough to change her behavior. She often bails on her responsibilities as their mother. She places her parties and friends above her kids. But every once in a while she decides to exert herself and throws things that we’re working hard to develop all out of sorts. When she sees a glimpse of something that shows they might end up like their dad (or god forbid, me) she jumps in, trying to force us to raise them consistent with her values. Mind you, she’s not the one who’s going to do the hard work – she expects us to do that, even when it’s in her best interest.
There are days when the thought of 20 more years of this is enough to send me into hiding. My husband is an incredible source of strength and so are my friends. That’s not enough though. One of the things that has been a life saver in for me is counseling. I have one person I can say all the really treacherous things to who won’t repeat them, won’t judge me, and won’t point out that I owe it to the kids to be kind and understanding all the time.
I hope you’re able to find a good network of folks who validate all the good things in yourself that you feel you’ve lost in this crazy mess. I hope the same for all of us, really.
You are not alone. Email me anytime. I appreciate your thoughts. katieritchie05@gmail.com. I am a new stepmom (2years) and I’m here to say that you will not lose yourself. But it is up to you to make sure that never, EVER happens. You do have a voice. You have worth, as a woman, as a stepmother, as a wife, and a person. Do not every forget that…I still have to remind myself of that every time another moment of hell arises in my life because of the X.
What a wonderful poem. I know exactly how you feel and understand your frustrations.
This poem speaks to me, too. I feel like this sometimes, too. And the kids’ mom and I are close friends!
[...] Relationships & Looking Inside Me: The Sub – a poem about what it can feel like sometimes to be the stepmom (by way of The Wicked [...]
Thanks for sharing your poem. I get it and have seen/felt that even though I’m in one of the best blended family circumstances I could have ever picked. There are still hard times and hard feelings.
Saw your comment on the DHX. Well said. Seriously. I really look forward to more thoughts on your blog.
Wow! This is so amazing! I find it difficult to raise someone else’s child – with their own set of rules and expectations. It is hard because you don’t get the same ’say’ or voice as the real parents. I get along well with the mom, but it is still hard being the extra person at events. I’m so glad I was able to read this….I wish I could express myself so well!
Well said.
Hi there my friend! Glad all is well! Waiting for a new post! In the meantime, check out my blog for your award.